Listening to Daft Punk trying to recuperate after my sisters death. Trying so hard to see the light again. All I can feel is the cold numbness. It's so hard to fake a smile and go on with my day. I can't stop thinking about her. I'll hear a song or phrase and instantly my mind goes to her. Being so far from my family and the few people who know instantly that I'm not alright, even though I smile and say it's all okay. I was sitting at her funeral and all I could this was this has to be a bad dream, I'm gonna wake up any moment. I wrote her name today, followed by her birthday and the day she died. That's when it hit me, this was never a dream. I'm never going to see her beautiful, or hear her sweet laugh again. what I wouldn't give for just one more day with her. I would give the rest of my life just to spend one more day with her. I can barely see the screen now, typing in and of itself is  becoming more and more difficult. I haven't fully cried yet. I still have my pain bottled up inside, a few tears fall now and then and I can feel the scream of pain claw up my throat. When I feel it get so close to the surface that I can taste it, I push it back down with all my being. I know this isn't good, that I'm probably hurting myself more than I need to but I can't let it out. Like if I don't let it out for long enough she'll come walking through the door. Honestly I don't know when or where my walls will crumble but it can't be too far from now.

I know most of you wont give a damn and that's okay. This was for me not you.
And to those few who can relate in some way, thank you for understanding. Your empathy can be felt through my laptop, or maybe that was just heartburn or something. (small smile)

I hope you all are doing better than me right now. May your days be bright and your nights warmed by a loved one.